Your New Look MP by Phaluss Starkey Raving Bonkers.

Hi, my name is Phaluss Starrky Raving Bonkers your new liberal minded parliamentary candidate. That was dreamt up by a think tank of progressive social engineers to replace your current female MP when Gordon Brown finally brings the country to its knees and the party has to find new ways of getting you to vote for it.

It has become increasingly obvious that old style female MPs are rather dreary and sexless. The party realises that it is not enough for us women MPs to talk non-threatening waffle about catching paedophiles, rapists and racists. If we are to completely distract voters from the terrorists threat that we have created, the alarmingly rapid rise in the price of almost everything you actually need, escalating violence and drunkenness on the streets, filthy hospitals, rising taxes and so much more that we don’t want you to know or think about, then I am the lady MP for you.

As you will see from my photograph, I am terribly upper middle class, wear fine clothes and sexy undies. I wear lots of make up, high heels and smell very nice. I won’t say very much so that will be even easier on your poor uneducated minds. When you look at me, if you are male, you will be lost in sexual fantasises. If you are one of the many fat ladies in Milton Keynes, or maybe just someone who doesn’t want sex with your husband, then you will be grateful that I am giving him something to have a wank over, every time he sees me in my monthly column. It is my hope to speak to you each month about what we don’t want you to know about politics.

Any resemblance to real life is purely coincidental.